那一刻,我升起風馬,不為祈福,只為守候你的到來。 那一天,閉目在經殿香霧中,驀然聽見,你頌經中的真言。 那一月,我搖動所有的轉經筒,不為超度,只為觸摸你的指尖。 那一年,磕長頭匍匐在山路,不為覲見,只為貼著你的溫暖。 那一世,轉山轉水轉佛塔啊,不為修來生,只為途中與你相見。 《倉央嘉措》

2008年6月4日 星期三

漪園驚夢

連日來辛勞,終於可以稍稍休息兩天。住香港六國酒店,向宰予學習,白日裡抱頭大睡,補眠也。偶得一夢,自睡夢中驚醒,枕濕淚痕,又是那個多少年來纏綿不去的舊夢續集。夢中獨自漫步清漪園,正舉步吟哦間,與兩位女性舊友迎面相遇,一僧一俗,一眼認出其中在家那位,另一位眉眼彎彎似月,但是卻是個出家僧尼,依稀相識,一時間竟想不起來是誰。向兩人點頭致意後即錯身而過。俄而,忽然醒覺,原來那僧尼正是魂牽夢繫的、兩百四十年前那位,連忙回頭找尋,但見遊客如織,兩人轉眼已無蹤跡。

夜裡工作完畢,自遠東金融中心步行返回酒店,撐著傘,默默傾聽香港初夏的綿綿雷雨,一路悵然。回到酒店,填詞雙調,上下各一闕,聊表今晚心緒。第一次工整地按照平仄韻腳填詞,果然束縛良多,但是音韻確實比胡亂填寫要雅緻多了。這個詞牌的規矩比較森嚴,是張肎的《暗香疏影》,雙調共一百又五字,前段九句五仄韻,後段九句四仄韻。張肎此一自度曲,以姜夔《暗香》調前段,《疏影》調後段,合而為一。自注夾鐘宮。按,《暗香》、《疏影》二曲,入仙呂宮,此詞入夾鐘宮,雖同屬宮聲,而聲之高下清濁,畢竟不同。


暗香疏影 - 漪園驚夢

漪園夢裏
看落霞嫣染
碧湖如玉
芳華斑斑
歎日日春光漸去
暗暗傷懷莫問
尋舊路
青梅紅李
正爛漫
怎料重逢
留淚眼相憶

曾許此心同老
忽忽俱往矣
布袍青衣
咫尺僧俗
癡笑多情
去去風煙千里
一別生死無由聚
錯錯錯
相逢無計
恨別離
花榭樓臺
夢裏莫聽春雨

2008年6月2日 星期一

Feel very sad about China

From

June 1, 2008

Chinese officials ignored quake warnings

Chinese officials ignored warnings from five eminent seismologists that a strong earthquake would strike the mountainous province of Sichuan this year, including one forecast that almost exactly predicted the date of the tremor that killed more than 68,000 people.

The government appeared to be trying to suppress evidence of the warnings last week and none of the seismologists could be traced for an interview.

News of the warnings, disclosed on a Chinese scientist’s blog, has created a storm of criticism on the internet and deepened the rage of bereaved parents in ruined towns such as Mianzhu, where schools had collapsed on their pupils.

Sichuan journalists even dared to question the head of the State Earthquake Bureau. They demanded to know if it was true that the forecasts were dismissed because officials did not want anything to disturb preparations for the Olympic torch relay to pass through this month.

The journalists got no answer and there has since been little mention of the warnings in the official media; but there is no doubt that the documents cited are authentic.

The first forecast came in a highly technical article published by four seismologists in September 2006 in China’s Journal of Catastrophology.

The four, Long Xiaoxia, Yan Junping, Sun Hu and Wang Zuzheng, calculated that stress factors along the Sichuan-Tibet tectonic fault indicated that a quake measuring above 6.7 on the Richter scale would strike this year. They suggested the government should set up emergency headquarters and organise local disaster teams to train city dwellers and farmers in how to protect themselves.

There is no evidence anything was done. But the seismologists were not available to explain why. “You’re a journalist?” said an official at their university, contacted by telephone. “They are not supposed to accept any interviews, so just give up the idea.”

The fifth expert to issue a warning is said to be in seclusion, afflicted by heartache over the loss of so many children. Geng Qingguo, a renowned seismologist, had come out of retirement to present his dire predictions to a meeting of specialists on April 26 and 27.

Geng outlined his calculations that an earthquake of more than 7 on the Richter scale would occur along the boundaries of Sichuan, Gansu and Qinghai provinces. He even predicted that the most likely date would be within 10 days of May 8.

The scientist dispatched a copy of his findings to the State Earthquake Bureau in Beijing on April 30. Once again, nothing seems to have been done.

The quake struck with a Richter scale force of 7.9 on May 12.

None of this would be known but for the fact that one of Geng’s colleagues, Li Shihui of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, disclosed the whole story in his blog after the earthquake.

“His opinion was not accepted by the State Earthquake Bureau,” Li wrote, “and when he heard of the Sichuan earthquake he tried to cry, yet no tears would come, so heavy was his heart.”

Neither Li nor Geng is now available for comment, as the public anger intensifies. Access to the blog has been blocked by web censors.

“Yes, Dr Li used to be a researcher in our laboratory,” confirmed a woman official at the academy. “After the earthquake he published some articles that caused a big argument. But he has retired and we do not have his phone number. That is all I can tell you.”

Li’s rapid retirement appears to have come after the publication of an article detailing his blog and both sets of warnings by a veteran journalist, Ching Cheong, the chief China correspondent for The Straits Times of Singapore. “We do not know why the authorities chose not to act,” said Ching. “Some attributed it to the Olympics frenzy.”

Ching’s story was translated into Chinese and circulated on the internet, setting off a fire-storm of abuse from citizens.

It hurt most of all in places such as Mianzhu, where the Communist party secretary, Jiang Guohua, fell on his knees before anguished parents to implore them to abandon a protest march last week. Their children were among an estimated 9,000 to die when poorly built schools collapsed on them.

Mianzhu is populated by thousands of people living in tents among the ruins of its buildings. “A hundred people died in there,” said a local woman, Zhang Bing, 23, pointing to a bulldozer that gnawed at the rubble of a supermarket on the main square, where several bodies still lay entombed.

On one level the city of 500,000 exemplified the virtuous storyline that now appears mandatory for the state media. Nobody sat listless or idle in Mianzhu. Its citizens manifested the entrepreneurial resilience of the Chinese people. Shopkeepers busily erected stalls to peddle wares hauled from their wrecked premises. Families organised themselves to keep tents clean and neat.

An orderly queue formed to collect free hot rice, supplemented by meat and vegetables cooked by individuals. There had been not one instance of looting, people said.

Corporate China has piled in to the rescue alongside the state. China Mobile set up relay dishes and sold cheap mobile phones. Banks dispensed cash. China Post was even sorting the mail at an improvised outdoor centre.

On the outskirts of town, at least 20,000 souls congregated in a tent camp supervised by the People’s Liberation Army. It included an outdoor hospital where doctors and nurses continue to toil over broken bones and sickly old folk.

However, on another level Mianzhu could become a barometer of public opinion, as the initial shock or relief give way to more complex feelings.

Jiang, the local party secretary, explained the risks in a frank interview with China’s Nanfang Weekend newspaper. “At first I relied on my rank as party secretary to request those parents not to go to the streets with their protests,” he said. “But they turned a deaf ear to me and even the police couldn’t stop them.

“So I got on my knees, not because I was ashamed but because I was thinking of the hundreds of thousands of people in this city who are homeless, short of clothes and food, so that any protest like this could cause mass unrest. That’s been my biggest worry since the earthquake.”

Undaunted, the parents are discussing a march to Chengdu, the provincial capital. They have been banned from travelling on buses by the party secretary. One of them, Li Yan, said: “He’s always lied to us and tried to cover up the real situation.”

2008年6月1日 星期日

慾望

電腦忽然故障了,完全無法使用與互聯網有關的程序,因此當然就不能上網了,可是我的工作需要天天上網,許多公文也是以電子郵件的形式處理,因此不能上網,是件十分嚴重的事。使用微軟自帶的DrWaterson進行檢查,好像是哪個系統文件崩潰了,無法形成符號表供一些重要進程使用。昨夜就發現了這問題,起先以為是中了病毒,花了幾個小時進行徹底檢查,但是看來不是,只好由系統下手,但是後來太睏了,上床睡覺先。早上醒來繼續弄,還是無法解決問題,只好下樓吃早餐。看來接下來幾天,只好使用酒店提供的公用電腦工作了。

les suites的早餐對我而言,是一種很難抗拒的誘惑。不僅僅只是食材的品質優異,所有的水果菜餚都裝飾得那麼精緻,令人不禁一盤又一盤的塞進腹中,直吃到肚子再也裝不下了,才願意罷口。點了一份omelette(西式煎蛋),雙蛋加蘑菇、洋蔥、西紅柿、和乳酪等,煎成一個蛋捲樣的蛋餅。端上來的時候,居然作成了星級餐廳單點菜餚的形式,大大的盤子裡,中間是那個處理得很美麗的煎蛋,周圍還圍繞著一些裝飾用的蘆筍、蘑菇、和星星點點色澤鮮麗的香料。

尤其面對那些水果,簡直可以放棄千年修煉了。吃了一盤又一盤的新西蘭黃金奇異果、紅大甜香的草莓、用來釀波特酒那種甜死人的紫色小小葡萄、久違了的台灣特有水果蓮霧、和應節水果荔枝,後來肚子實在撐不下去了,放棄了其他在心目中顯然處於次要地位的水梨、蘋果、香蕉、鳳梨、楊桃等等等水果。甚至還破例喝了咖啡。其實已經很少喝咖啡了,害怕成癮後骨質疏鬆的問題,但是聞那咖啡香,知道是品級很高的牙買加Arabica豆,還是喝了一杯。

les suites的餐廳很小,完全是豪華商務樓層專屬餐廳的格局,或者這麼說,整個les suites,基本上就是一個只提供豪華商務樓層的酒店,所以客人人數相對很少,所有的服務講究的不再是品質,而是品味。平時感覺自己的修煉還是挺好,對物慾看得十分淡薄,但是處在這樣的環境之間,可以很清晰地體會到自己的修煉,實在還是很差很差。沒看過《色戒》這部電影,但是據說電影裡有句很出名的台詞:「色易守,情難防」,相同概念用在這裡也許差可比擬:「物慾的誘惑易守,品味的呼喚難以抗拒」。

還好只是偶而富貴一下而已,否則以我心性的脆弱,肯定很快就誤入歧途,沉溺在慾望的波濤中無法自拔。

2008年5月31日 星期六

台北札記 (5/31/2008)

終於又呼吸到台灣的空氣了。長年在外漂泊,現在一年待在台灣的時間已經不足兩三個星期,對台灣的發展與變化,愈來愈陌生。單位派了一輛很寬敞的奔馳轎車來機場接我,呵呵,偶而享受一下有錢人的豪華舒適,還是很不錯的感覺。由機場到台北市區大約需要四十分鐘的車程,和開車司機好好地聊了一會兒天,有點高興,看來台灣人又重拾對生活、對未來的信心了。開車司機算是社會裡的中下階層了,應該相當能夠反映一般普羅大眾的心聲,所以每一次回台灣,必然要和一些開車司機好好聊聊。這回返台和上回返台剛好隔了一件大事,陳水扁政府下台,馬英九政府上台,看來連開車司機對馬英九都寄望很深喔。

這回在台北,又入住了自己最喜歡的酒店,法國系統的「台北商旅(les suites taipei)」。經常周遊各國,總是住五星級酒店,但是住來住去,最喜歡的,還是這一間。05年曾經去了一趟匈牙利的布達佩斯,當時入住的是那裡最豪華的、有一百多年歷史的酒店,從外觀上看確實古色古香,十分吸引人,但是在服務的細微處,實在比不上這裡。例如,在下雨天,客人正要踏出酒店大門時,門口的服務人員會馬上遞上雨傘,根本不用開口要求。上回住這裡,結好帳正要搭車離去,服務人員幫我關上車門時,不忘遞上一瓶礦泉水,說是怕路上渴,請帶上一兩瓶。看看那水,還是法國名牌PERRIER呢!剛剛由機場過來,才在櫃台辦理好入住手續,正打算提行李上樓,回頭一看,行李已經不見了。呵呵,已經送進我的房間啦。管理的關鍵真的是在細節處,而不在外表的金碧輝煌。

les suits的客房空間並不算特別大,尤其我常常住那種豪華商務套間,甚至還住過帶著廚房和辦公室的總統套房,相比之下,這間酒店的房間大小,大概也只到商務套間的規模,但是仔細看看房裡的陳設,除了必備的電視、電話之外,還提供一些其他比較少見的辦公設備,例如傳真機、手機、整抽屜的文具(從尺、鉛筆、原子筆、彩色筆、訂書機、橡皮擦、削鉛筆機、美工刀、各種規格不等的紙張、甚至還有印著英日中三國文字的地址地圖指引卡片,專門給出租車師傅看的)等等,甚至連給iPod用的音箱都準備了。水果籃裡水果的質量也相當好,有荔枝、蘋果、鴨梨、香蕉、和新西蘭的奇異果(獼猴桃),使用的盥洗用品是法國名牌,浴室裡的浴缸很深,適合泡澡,連廁所的馬桶都是電動的,具有恆溫沖洗屁股的功能。唉,有時候享受一下奢華,還真是很舒服的事。雖然我從來不習慣讓那種不冷不熱的水沖洗屁股的感覺。

2008年5月30日 星期五

寂寞 (2)


你寂寞嗎?一個人飛翔在三萬九千英呎的高空上,靜靜地問著自己。小小圓窗外是一朵朵潔白的雲,十分柔順地蹲伏在湛藍色天空的腳下。座艙前的屏幕顯示現在的航行時速是五百八十六英里,可是窗外這些雲朵卻一動也不動,優雅著身影,從容而閑靜,彷彿千年以來,就已經默默在那裡等待。可是都在等待著些什麼呢?等待著另一朵飄過的雲嗎?獨倚望江樓,過盡千帆皆不是,斜輝脈脈水悠悠,腸斷白萍洲。

而風,肯定是在呼嘯著吧?這麼快的飛行速度。但是我聽不見呼嘯的聲音。窗外的風景好像凍結住了,一切都顯得那麼安靜。只剩這孤零零的飛機,形隻影單地飄流在蒼茫天地的一角,悄悄飛渡過那一大片又一大片無邊無際走也走不完的時間迷津。而那湛藍的天空和白白的雲,只是漠然地在一旁袖手觀看,彷彿這隻靜靜滑過天際的銀翼大鳥,和他們全不相干。飛機啊,你寂寞嗎?

飛機應該不寂寞吧?追逐著時間,每天披星戴月,見證著日昇日落,行色匆匆,一個機場過度著另一個機場,來時的天空,歸途的方向,縱然偶而不免兵荒馬亂,甚且有時倉倉皇皇,但是在不斷奔忙中,起碼緊張得沒時間寂寞吧?更何況,在忙碌的同時,還可以躲開地面的暗暗低雲,獨自在九天之上,迎著風,無拘無束放飛翱翔,盡情逍遙著宇宙間的雲影天光,這是享受人生呢!何來寂寞之有?其實呵,完全沒有資格說寂寞。

是啊,何來寂寞?一個人的歲月並不寂寞,我始終生活在人潮裡。每天環顧四周,處處皆是人群。有同事,有朋友,即便再是寂寥,只要上那市街走一遭,人擠人呵,可以談話,可以微笑,也可以點頭致意,輕聲道好。新搬來的鄰居養育著一對長得很漂亮的兒女,天晴的假日,他們總愛在門口踢球遊戲,洋人的青春雖然凋謝得快些,但是在剛過十來歲的年紀,男孩往往已經高大俊秀,而女孩則出落得亭亭玉立,聽那童言童語,可愛至極,又怎會孤寂?

或許,還是會有一點點一點點很少很少的孤寂吧。尤其最近這乍暖還寒時候,最難將息。會不會是因為房子買得太大了?清清冷冷的空間,空空蕩蕩的前院後院,尤其午夜裡偶然造訪的疾風驟雨,千軍萬馬地、淒淒涼涼地、不斷敲打著閣樓上的屋瓦風簷,心中總不免幾分落寞惆悵。於是總會下樓,泡起一壺溫暖的茶,打開屋裡所有的燈,讓明亮的光線充滿每一個角落。是呵,愛極這種清麗明亮的感覺,讓亮晃晃的光,放肆地照進心裡,叫那寂寞,速速逃逸遠離。

這樣的時候,我總喜歡再放上一點音樂,讓這一人世界更加甜美。喜歡一個人關在二樓書房,放任那樂音柔美婉轉,滿屋子流倘飄盪。在書架上選一本書,沈浸文字裡面,與古人神遊。心中明白,只有獨自一人,才有機會享受這樣的至樂呢!而這樣的至樂,卻隨時可得,不必然必須等候那午夜裡的驟雨疾風。於是白天裡也可以這麼享受,嗅著茶香,沈醉著音樂,望著窗外白雲悠悠,靜靜等待屋前那些綠色的枝葉,在潮濕的空氣裡無聲無息地抽芽生長。

是呵,只有獨自一人,才有這樣的幸福,可以盡享這樣的至樂呢!儘管古有明訓:「獨樂樂不如眾樂樂」,但事實真相是,即便上窮碧落下黃泉,衆裏尋他千百度,卻去哪裡尋得那個可以和你同歌同樂的人兒呢?最怕的是,有個人陪伴身邊,你們必須相濡以沫,你們被迫形影不離,但是兩顆心也許卻是相隔千萬里,一在海角一在天際,相會無期,永無交集。唉,想來還真是不寒而慄。所以,和不懂你的人生活在一起,比一個人獨居,還要更加更加孤寂。寂寞其實只是一種感覺,不在於有沒有人陪著,重點是,你已經找到那個人了嗎?而他真正明白你的心。

也許也許,即使找到了那個真正懂你的人,可能還是難免孤寂,因為,他懂得你,可你,也許並不懂他。不懂一個人,卻必須相處朝夕,這還不僅僅是孤寂,簡直比孤寂的蒼涼落寞還更難受。呵呵,你抱著石頭睡覺嗎?還是讓石頭抱著你睡覺?你能夠勉強自己,去愛著一個在心裡感覺很陌生的人嗎?或許,其實自己,才是那顆頑石,又有多少人,真正懂得自己?三生石上舊精魂,賞月吟風莫要論,自己都不懂得自己,還想要別人懂你?

而在本質上,大多數人,其實根本就不懂得自己。是啊,在世世輪迴的迷霧中,自己如何能看懂自己?自己認不得自己是誰,這才是最深最深的寂寞。而習性,正是自己真正難懂的東西呵。想起蘇東坡和他那可憐的朝雲,即使後來才追悔莫及地在那感嘆「惟有朝雲能識我,獨彈古調,每逢暮雨倍思卿」,是知己又能如何?又能如何呵?看不清自己放不下世間俗見的習性,這位才子只好親手埋葬這一生唯一的難逢知己。

而像這樣的悲劇,又豈僅只蘇東坡一家? 且看看,還君明珠雙泪垂,恨不相逢未嫁時,悲不悲哀?這種故事可多著了,一如這樣的唐代銅官窑瓷器裡的題詩:

君生我未生,我生君已老。君恨我生遲,我恨君生早。
君生我未生,我生君已老。恨不生同時,日日與君好。
我生君未生,君生我已老。我離君天涯,君隔我海角。
我生君未生,君生我已老。化蝶去尋花,夜夜栖芳草。

好惆悵呵!不論是誰先生誰後生,總之,只能以悲劇收場。類似這樣的劇情,還不只是俗見的阻撓,只能說是生不逢時:在錯誤的時候,播下不該播下的種子,所以還等不及來春花開,種子已經腐朽潰爛,只能讓那裊裊遺恨,埋藏在深深泥土裡。

小時候曾經很崇拜蘇東坡的書法和文字,起舞弄清影,何似在人間,是那麼瀟灑,那麼的清越飄逸,簡直就是神仙人物。但是在看過他和朝雲的故事以後,心中不免悵然,對他的印象更是大打折扣。是啊,誰真正懂得自己?又如何懂得去珍惜那個真正懂你的人呢?更何況面對著這樣不食人間煙火的神仙人物,又如何與他柴米油鹽醬醋茶?如何相處?如何嘻笑怒罵?如何同遊塵世共此一生?唉,可憐的朝雲,不明白神仙人物,其實僅可遠觀而不可褻玩焉。所以想想清楚,實在寧可寂寞呢!

在飛機上一人品嚐著孤獨的滋味。獨處時,縱情於文字,一方面是在探索人生的意義,另一方面,也許也是一種療傷。碰碰撞撞地長大,各式各樣的傷口難免,只是平日著迷於世間塵勞,往往放任傷口假性癒合。好比寂寞,就是某種傷口的後遺症。輾轉輪迴裡,其實這樣的傷口從來就不曾真正癒合過,只是將膿血包覆在長痂的硬殼裡,用來欺騙自己的心。寫寫文字,真好。通過文字,將瘀血排放出來,讓傷口附近的細胞,有機會慢慢自行修復。問問自己,獨處時寂寞嗎?也許有一些些吧。害怕寂寞嗎?不害怕吧,但是還是有一些些討厭,對不對?想要消除寂寞嗎?呵呵,寧可寂寞著呢,那消除寂寞的代價,仔細算算,實在太大太大了。