同事寄來的好笑的信，博君一燦。Tatiana是個俄羅斯裔的美麗女士。
Dear all,
I don't normally clog people's emails, but I found this one very funny. BTW, a lot of my students have already progressed to this level. Have a nice weekend,
Tatiana
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European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
2008年5月23日 星期五
用德文取代英文的陰謀
2008年2月20日 星期三
[轉貼] 洋人對亞洲人的印象
小孩寄給我看的，哈哈，實在好笑，多少有些正確，充分反應了洋人對我們的看法。
Random Asian Stereotypes
1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
10. Love to hear stories about your parents'childhood...especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.
How to make your Asian girlfriend eternally happy
1. Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her, the number 2 rule follows:
2. Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
3. Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always,
4. Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive Asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny,crying mind-control.
5. Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as flowers, chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
6. Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
7. Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.
8. There are NO MORE RULES to making your Asian girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.
You know you're Japanese if...
1. You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes.
2. You want to marry a Korean-American or Chinese-American woman(males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
You know you're Korean if...
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom was canceled.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
5. You swear when you get the chance to impress your pairs.
You know you're Chinese if...
1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times.
3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
You know you're Vietnamese if...
1. You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal.
2. You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho."
3. You have some relative who is Chinese.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.
You know you're Filipino if...
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant.
2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star.
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not,because being Filipino is just cool in itself.
Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese president anytime soon...
10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means 'windwater')
7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles
You know you're Asian if...
1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
2. your dad is some sort of engineer
3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing
5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. you shop 99 Ranch
7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. you've eaten (and possibly enjoy) parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . ."
16. you know what bok choy is
17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
20. you have NO eyelashes.
21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc. . .
22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian
28. any random Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's"
33. you like $1.75 movies
34. you like $1.50 movies even more
35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
39. your parents have never kissed you
40. your parents have never kissed each other in public
41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
42. "You want a stereo!?" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
44. You have to call all of your parents' friends "Auntie" or "Uncle."
45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage
1. We do NOT understand the words "ching chong".
2. People from India are Asians too.
3. Don't make us speak our own language or translate your name. We will when we feel like it.
4. Don't try to pair up Asian guys and girls in your school. Just because they are Asian doesn't mean they suit.
5. Not all Asians know Karate, Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do etc. But we are probably capable of kicking your butt anyway.
6. Stop saying all Asians look the same, it's just like saying all white people look the same.
7. Rice, Chow Mein and Sushi are NOT the only food we eat...
8. Suprise! Not all Asians are good at maths.
9. In case you didn't know, you look like a retard when you start speaking in Martian and think you are speaking an Asian language.
10. Go ahead, make fun of us. We make fun of you in our own language.
Now....PASS IT ON, OR WELL SEND NINJAS AFTER YOU
2008年2月10日 星期日
[轉貼] 深邃的人生體會
早上上網流連了一下，居然看見這些很深刻的人生道理。看看我們的心，是如何地擅長造作！轉貼自：無言獨上西樓
試金可以用火，試女人可以用金，試男人可以用女人。
男人要有錢，和誰都有緣。
親人之間，談到錢就傷感情；情人之間，談到感情就傷錢。
我們產生一點小分歧：她希望我把糞土變黃金，我希望她視黃金如糞土！
當年是不上大學一輩子受窮，而現在是上了大學馬上就受窮。
過去：一流學生出國，二流學生考研，三流學生就業。
現在：一流學生就業，二流學生出國，三流學生考研
顧客不是上帝，顧客只是上當。
孩子把玩具當朋友，成人把朋友當玩具。
現實中用真名說假話，網絡中用假名說真話。
沒錢的時候，老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候，秘書兼老婆。
有錢的人怕別人知道他有錢，沒錢的人怕別人知道他沒錢。
好好活著，因為我們會死很久很久。
不要相信什么一見鐘情，因為你不能一眼看出對方掙多少錢。
我們好像進入了一個只有拿出錢才能證明愛心的時代。
話說出去之前你是話的主人，說出去之后你便成了話的奴隸。
高職不如高薪，高薪不如高壽，高壽不如高興。
偷一個人的主意是剽竊，偷很多人的主意就是研究。
有時解釋是不必要的——敵人不信你的解釋，朋友無須你的解釋。
人干點好事兒總想讓鬼神知道，干點壞事兒總以為鬼神不知道，我們太讓鬼為難了。
廣告就是告訴別人，他的錢還可以這么花。
對待知識分子的態度，標志著一個民族的文明程度；對待工人農民的態度，則是考問這個民族的良心。
問君能有幾多愁，恰似太監上青樓！
兄弟我先拋塊磚，有玉的盡管砸過來。
如果有錢也是一種錯，那我情愿一錯再錯。
人生在世無非是讓別人笑笑，偶爾笑笑別人。
內事不決問老婆，外事不決問Google！
女人喜歡有安全感的男人；男人卻往往被缺乏安全感的女人包圍。
愛情不是避難所，想進去避難的話，是會被趕出來的。
前女友就好象是親生的，后女友就像是領養的。
房價越來越高，所以，好男人越來越少……
早起的鳥兒有蟲吃，早起的蟲兒被鳥吃！
老鼠從不浪費晚上的時間，而我們人類卻浪費了每天的三分之一
當你穿上了愛情的婚紗，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
不吃飯的女人這世上也許還有好幾個，不吃醋的女人卻連一個也沒有。
懷才就像懷孕，時間久了才能讓人看出來。
裝傻這事，如果干的好，叫大智若愚。木訥這事，如果干的好，叫深沉。
毀滅友情的方式有許多，最徹底的一種是借錢。
世上有一半的書是笨人寫給笨人看的。
有些人注定是等待別人的，有些人是注定被人等的。
吃的是草,擠出來的是青春痘。
想污染一個地方有兩種方法：用垃圾，或者用鈔票！
只有在大排長龍時，才能真正意識到自己是龍的傳人。